I have just finished a coaching session with a new client who actually aspires to train and become a Life Coach. Even coaches need coaches!
During our conversation I asked my client:
“Why do you want to become a life coach?”
The answer that came back was passionate and excited.
“I enjoy coaching and mentoring young people in my current job, watching them grow and develop not only in to the workplace role that I have to teach them but also as people. One of my goals is to have a net positive impact in everything that I do”
Wonderful I thought. This is exactly why I went down the life coaching route. I wanted to help, I wanted to make a difference.
And then her gaze shifted away from me and drifted towards the window. In a lower more subdued voice she tagged a line on the end of her statement and asked a rhetorical question:
“The only problem is I am young and I am not sure I have had enough experience of life to be able to help. I would feel like a fraud! How can I coach somebody who is older than me, had more exposure to the world than me?”
Her question was rhetorical and she was expecting no answer.
I replied:
“Listen, just listen”
She turned back to face me and in her eyes, I could see the lights go on!
Most people will say they are good listeners but in reality, they are just good hearers.
The ability to listen is a very powerful tool that we all have, but we don’t often use. The ability to listen has no age restrictions, no life experience boundaries.
What is listening? Surely, we hear therefore we listen?
“Yeah you are hearing me but you are not listening to me!”
How many times have you heard somebody say that in a meeting?
Merriam-Webster defines hearing as the “process, function, or power of perceiving sound, specifically the special sense by which noises and tones are received as stimuli”
Listening on the other hand means “to pay attention to sound, to hear something with thoughtful attention and to give consideration”
In short and put more simply your ears let you hear! Your mind, presence and attention let you listen!
How often do you really listen to what somebody is trying to say to you? Without interrupting them or focusing 100 per cent on what they are trying to say to you?
How frustrating is it when you are trying to say something but others keep interrupting? Finishing off your sentence for you? Not allowing you to finish your own words but muscling in their own words instead because they think they know what you are trying to say…..but they don’t! Their words frustrate you because they are not your words. Your words mean so much to you and the way you convey your own thoughts. Their words seem hollow and meaningless because they are not YOUR words. We don’t want to be interrupted, we just want to be listened to.
We are all guilty of just hearing and interrupting, me included. Think of the times when you have been talking, trying to get over something really important to you but the other person isn’t listening or keeps interrupting. It hurts doesn’t it? Think of the times when somebody has been talking to you but you are not listening and keep interrupting them. It hurts them just the same as it hurts you.
I have sat in many meetings in the corporate world where I very quickly switched off. Not because the subject of the meeting didn’t necessarily interest me but because of the constant interruptions. I would be asked for my opinion on the topic being discussed and no sooner had I got ten words out of my mouth somebody would interrupt, finishing off my sentence or shifting my view to their agenda. I would try and get back in to the flow of what I was trying to say but then get cut off again and that was when I would feel unwanted, not appreciated and hurt. I would switch off, pick up my pen and start doodling! If I had saved all my doodling’s from those meetings I could well have had my own art exhibition by now titled “They just don’t bloody well listen”!
Now think of a time, if you can, when you truly felt somebody listened to you. A time when the person you were talking to was completely focused on you and what you were saying. When that person was giving you their full attention, not interrupting you and providing you with a safe and open space to talk and think. How did that feel? Did you feel appreciated? Respected? Loved? Valued? It felt good right? Imagine how other people would feel if you gave them that experience.
Hearing is one thing, listening is a different level.
Listening does not come naturally to most people, we need to work at it. It’s a skill we all have in our tool bag but very rarely and in some cases, if ever exercise it.
You may not have the solution to somebody’s problem but by truly listening to them you can make them feel equal, respected, loved, appreciated and valued. You can improve their clarity of thought that leads them to a solution. The quality of your listening can determine the quality of another’s thinking.
We can hear sounds but we need to listen to life!
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